Found floating in the Indian Ocean in 1984, a lone dusky langur clutched a mysterious note, the contents of which would change the modern world. But to the great dismay of mankind, the note was written in the language of the Neguhuit tribe of Madagascar-- long since forgotten when Tagalog was adopted as a suitable replacement, despite the wealth of perfectly fine African languages available at the time.

Alas, the complete works of Shakespeare can no longer be produced by a mathematical improbability. As such the future of our wondrous society lies in the hands of a distinctly finite number of brave men.

CHARLIE WALLACE
Monkey Brains

Originator of cherry-flavored Lifesavers®, Charlie is perhaps most famous in programming circles for compiling a flawless version of Centipede using only instances of the number 47 and the word "orangoutang." Especially favored at parties for his ability to reduce complex sexual positions into ones and zeros, Charlie in fact prefers to eschew social gatherings in favor of fine-tuning classic automobiles with rusted paperclips and tuna salad. It is rumored that Charlie is directly responsible for the meme-like success of Starbucks and their ability to become publicly traded in the stock market, and Brazilians hail him as an all-powerful deity to whom which virgins are regularly sacrificed.

ERIC DeSANTIS
Monkey Hero

Legendary for his exploits in thwarting the nefarious doings of the Jade Emperor, this dashing figure is loved worldwide by small children, smaller puppies, and high-class Las Vegas escorts. Gifted in the commercial arts by what some people describe as "being touched by the eyelash of God," it is inadvisable to look at him directly; only Eric himself is able to handle his reflection for more than two minutes at a time without crumbling into tears of bliss. With a heady past filled with incalculable adventures resulting in at least one overthrown political body (and a multitude of heavenly ones), Eric has since settled down into a life of sublime pipeline management and pixel wrangling while preparing his eagerly anticipated autobiography, "As He Walked Among Us."